On the Eve of my surgery (well morning now...) I am sitting here and feeling every emotion imaginable. Its a rollercoaster and whirlwind of emotions. Sad/scared one minute, hopeful and peaceful the next, then add a little loony thrown in there too (I mean I dyed my hair hot pink at 4am after all).
This surgery day came WAY to fast for me to really wrap my head around it all. One day I am saying how badly I want the day to come so I can just be done and over with it and the next I am soaking up the last few days/hours until I have surgery because I feel like I'm just not ready for all that comes with it. I really don't want to be in pain... Not because I don't think I can handle it, but because I don't want to be slowed down or have to rely on others. I have learned something about myself through all this. It seems I have a problem with asking others for help, accepting help, and understanding the idea that I can be taken care of. It has always been in my nature to want to be the one to take care of others. For those who may not already know exactly- the procedure I am having is a unilateral mastectomy and reconstruction of the left breast. Meaning they are removing all of the breast tissue (including the nipple) and placing a small expander under the muscle. (this isn't even the permanent implant- that will come down the road- oh joy!)
In the quiet moments when I am all alone (laying in bed or in the shower) I find that my mind wonders and I ask and think about silly/scary/real questions about this process...
Will I be able to do a simple task like tie my shoes after surgery? (good thing we live in CA and I live in flip flops)
Will I be able to handle the pain?
What will my scar look like? Will Doctor chose a "wise" or "Ellipse" pattern?
How will it be to have one perky reconstructed boob and one.... well.... not so perky boob...
Will I forever be bra shopping challenged?
How will this affect my psychologically?
How will this affect my marriage?
Will pathology come back on the mass and it require me to have Chemo anyway EVEN though Dr. said highly unlikely?
Its been a challenge to turn my brain off and not fill myself with the "what if's" and fears. I am a woman... we think about everything- Amiright?
BUT...
In the midst of my wondering mind, I can also refocus back to what really matters. And that's the gifts of God's presence and peace. I have relied on God's promises and meditate on his word. His words fill me with comfort, and hope - a peace that passes all understanding.
All of you have showered me with nothing but love, prayers, good vibes and support. I honestly don't know how I would be able to cope without my 3 F's. Faith, Family, and Friends. God has shown me through this process how something so scary and negative like cancer can really open your eyes to all the positivity in life. Life is a glass half full... always. Your text messages, calls, visits, goodies, and gifts have lifted by spirits and I have cherished them all. But nothing beats knowing that I have such and AMAZING tribe of people who are right by my side through it all. If I haven't responded to your texts messages or facebook messages please know that I am reading them and I am so blessed by your kind words and encouragement. I am finding it a little overwhelming trying to keep up with all the responses. Please understand I am truly thankful for you to take the time to reach out to me and makes me TRULY feel like I am not alone in this.
Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, these past few weeks/days leading up to today's surgery have been filled with lots of cleaning, organizing and purging, DIY projects, movies, date nights, dinners with friends, doctors appointments, yummy indulgent dinners, game nights, laundry, blogging, "novel long" text and facebook chats between friends and family, and lots of laughs and tears in between.
Lots of living...
LIFE IS GOOD!
I am ready for today...So long leftie! lol
God has made me equipped, strong, and at peace...
I am covered in prayer and blessed beyond measure!
The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10
Thank you Lord for this strong woman. Please let her continue to use this time to glorify You. In His Name <3
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