Hakuna-ma -"Tatas"... It means no worries... (Surgery Day)

On the Eve of my surgery (well morning now...)  I am sitting here and feeling every emotion imaginable. Its a rollercoaster and whirlwind of emotions. Sad/scared one minute, hopeful and peaceful the next, then add a little loony thrown in there too (I mean I dyed my hair hot pink at 4am after all).

This surgery day came WAY to fast for me to really wrap my head around it all. One day I am saying how badly I want the day to come so I can just be done and over with it and the next I am soaking up the last few days/hours until I have surgery because I feel like I'm just not ready for all that comes with it. I really don't want to be in pain... Not because I don't think I can handle it, but because I don't want to be slowed down or have to rely on others. I have learned something about myself through all this. It seems I have a problem with asking others for help, accepting help, and understanding the idea that I can be taken care of. It has always been in my nature to want to be the one to take care of others. For those who may not already know exactly- the procedure I am having is a unilateral mastectomy and reconstruction of the left breast. Meaning they are removing all of the breast tissue (including the nipple) and placing a small expander under the muscle. (this isn't even the permanent implant- that will come down the road- oh joy!)

In the quiet moments when I am all alone (laying in bed or in the shower) I find that my mind wonders and I ask and think about silly/scary/real questions about this process...

Will I be able to do a simple task like tie my shoes after surgery? (good thing we live in CA and I live in flip flops)
Will I be able to handle the pain?
What will my scar look like? Will Doctor chose a "wise" or "Ellipse" pattern?
How will it be to have one perky reconstructed boob and one.... well.... not so perky boob...
Will I forever be bra shopping challenged?
How will this affect my psychologically?
How will this affect my marriage?
Will pathology come back on the mass and it require me to have Chemo anyway EVEN though Dr. said highly unlikely?


Its been a challenge to turn my brain off and not fill myself with the "what if's" and fears. I am a woman... we think about everything- Amiright?

BUT...

In the midst of my wondering mind, I can also refocus back to what really matters. And that's the gifts of God's presence and peace.  I have relied on God's promises and meditate on his word. His words fill me with comfort, and hope - a peace that passes all understanding.

All of you have showered me with nothing but love, prayers, good vibes and support. I honestly don't know how I would be able to cope without my 3 F's. Faith, Family, and Friends. God has shown me through this process how something so scary and negative like cancer can really open your eyes to all the positivity in life. Life is a glass half full... always. Your text messages, calls, visits, goodies, and gifts have lifted by spirits and I have cherished them all. But nothing beats knowing that I have such and AMAZING tribe of people who are right by my side through it all. If I haven't responded to your texts messages or facebook messages please know that I am reading them and I am so blessed by your kind words and encouragement. I am finding it a little overwhelming trying to keep up with all the responses. Please understand I am truly thankful for you to take the time to reach out to me and makes me TRULY feel like I am not alone in this.

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, these past few weeks/days leading up to today's surgery have been filled with  lots of cleaning, organizing and purging, DIY projects, movies, date nights, dinners with friends, doctors appointments, yummy indulgent dinners, game nights, laundry, blogging, "novel long" text and facebook chats between friends and family, and lots of laughs and tears in between.

Lots of living...

LIFE IS GOOD!

I am ready for today...So long leftie! lol

God has made me equipped, strong, and at peace...

I am covered in prayer and blessed beyond measure!

The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Lymph Node Surgery - God Answers Prayer!!!!!!

October 4th, 2016
Could not sleep at all the night before my procedure. I just tossed and turned and thought about all the "what ifs." My Mother and my God Mother (My Aunt Debbie) picked me up at 6 am on the dot for my 7 o'clock check in time for my "sentinel lymph node dissection" procedure . I was so anxious and just ready to be done and out of surgery. We made it to the hospital in record time, 15 minutes from Monrovia to Baldwin Park is amazing- especially in so-cal traffic. I thought for sure I'd get there with only minutes to spare.

7:30 am I was finally called back into the pre-op holding room. It was a huge room with a bunch of gurneys separated by curtains. Patients of all different ethnicity's and ages sitting on their beds in starchy gowns with blue mesh caps on their heads, tubes and IVs hanging of all over their bodies. I was intimidated and instantly felt the nerves creeping in. My Nurses names where Flor ("No "a" baby girl" - She finally said... Oops I kept calling her "Flora") and my other nurse Nina. Both older Filipino women who loved on me and made me comfortable and calm. They were so sweet and patient. My favorite part of the pre-op waiting room was I had this super cool space looking paper blanket. The nurses hooked up to a tube that blew out warm air and it circulated in through the whole blanket and kept me so cozy- not at all hot -just right. Snuggies are sooooo 2009... Its all about the space blanket 2017 with the forced warm air! They hooked me up to my IV's and kept me warm while waiting to be wheeled into surgery. I dozed off and took a nice one hour nap under my sweet blanket. When I woke up and realized a whole hour went by and I still wasn't in surgery I was getting anxious. The waiting game was horrible and I will admit I was getting "spicy" with my tude. I just wanted to be home on my couch watching day time TV all foggy on meds. LOL.

At about 10:00 am... I was wheeled down to "radioactive medicine" department to have some lovely shade of blue radio active dye injected into my breast while awake. This dye is intended to then drain to my lymph nodes so that the Doctor can go in quickly and find the nodes easy, quickly and distinguish between each node. My Nurse Eve laid me on my back on the table and spread some numbing topical gel over my poor nipple- Poor thing didn't even know what was coming. (this stuff was the biggest placebo trick- "numbing" gel- HA!) Eve kept saying "This is really going to hurt, it is not comfortable and you will need to take deep breaths. I'll be back in about 5 minutes and give that gel time to take affect." She came back in what felt like 30 seconds and said "You ready- take a deep breath and then blow it out...out... out.... out... out..."

I thought I mentally prepared and coached myself. "You're tough Emily- Just breath deep and clinch your butt cheeks"

Can I just say: HOLY MOLY WOOOOWWWZA did it hurt! The closest thing I could describe it to is a long ascending wasp sting. But not just any wasp sting. Imagine a wasp landing on your nipple... yes nipple.... and stinging you and then the pain slowly ascending to the point where it feels like your nipple is being seared off (the dye bubbling under the skin) for about 10 seconds till you want to scream every profanity you know. Finally the stinging feeling descends to a dull sting tingling feeling. Well I was lucky enough to have 3 injections of this lovely dye. AKA three wasp stings if the wasps were the size of hummingbirds!

The first of the three injections I probably could be heard on the other side of the hospital. Imagine me saying the following as a slight whisper and then ending at a full volume scream...

"Oooh ou...ouch... Ooh my gosh.. that REALLY STINGS.... HOLY MOLY... OOUAAACCCCHHHH MOTHER LOVER" 

Yes- I really did say "mother lover." I didn't really realize it until an older Asain doctor came up to me after it was all over and said. "It hurt you bad yeah? What you mean mother lover?" he chuckled and rubbed my shoulder. Hey- at least I didn't say anything too terrible. Eve also said "Wow you handled that pretty well. I have had women sob and are in tears" I told her "Oh I was sobbing-it just hurt so bad I just didn't have any tears come out!" LOL! After it all over and done with my first thought was why the heck couldn't that torture been performed while I was already out on the table?

Now that that torture was all over I was wheeled back to pre-op to wait another 30 minutes. The anesthesiologist came and introduced himself. He removed 3 or 4 little vials from his scrub front pocket. I don't really remember what all of them where. The only one I do remember was the last one he held up. He said "And THIS one... this one is like tequila... you'll like this one- promise" I laughed and within a couple minutes of receiving the "tequila" I was dancing on my gurney for sure. Surgery!? Lets Goooo!!!

The next thing I knew I was in a FREEZING operating room looking up at all  funky lights and seeing blurs of people moving all around me. Then before I knew it..... Zonk....

As if only two minutes had gone by...

I was sitting up on my gurney looking around the room and my mom rubbing my arm and saying "hey babe- how do you feel?" Its already over? That was quick. My stomach felt like I just rode a roller coaster about 10 times straight. YUCK.... but my pain was not that bad and I felt pretty good considering. Just dizzy and a little out of it. After about an hour of coming to I was wheeled down to my car by "Francois"- the nurse who was originally from Haiti. My Aunt and mom drove me home where at about 3 pm I was resting peacefully on my couch taking the best nap ever!

For the last few days I have just relaxed and tried to rest and heal. Doing my best to not overthink or fear the worst about receiving the news about the outcome of the pathology of my lymph node dissection. You guys have covered me in prayer and all the support I have felt is really keeping me upbeat and strong.

This morning October 6th, 2016 8:35am
After dropping Maddox off at school. I was doing my morning ritual since I found out about having cancer. Playing my favorite song  "Thy Will" by Hilary Scott and I literally belt it out at the top of my lungs and sing those words into my heart! If you haven't heard the song you should listen to it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAmh3yvmzXs

While I was listening to the song I received an incoming call from an unknown number... who is interrupting my song!?

OMG... this is it... this is the results of the pathology of my lymph nodes. I paused and said a quick prayer.

Dear God- PLEASE I pray that they come back negative. Please you know the desires of my heart to have babies! Please no cancer in them. Please no radiation, no chemo, and no egg harvesting. Please please please!

E: "Hello this is Emily"
Dr: "Hello, Emily?... This is Doctor Goldner"
E: "Hi Doctor- I'm really nervous, I pray you have good news for me" - my voice shaking and a huge lump in my throat."
Dr: "How are you feeling? You sound like you are doing good."
E: "Yeah I'm hanging in there.. really sore today, today has been the worst as far as pain goes in my incision site"
Dr: "Well I called because I just got your results in my inbox and wanted to call you right away"
E: "And? please say they are negative"
Dr: "Yes Emily... they are negative. No sign of Cancer in them."
E: "No!?- Thank you so much Doctor- THANK GOD " ***Sobbing ensues!! Happy Tears!***

LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

Lymph nodes came back CLEAAARRR!!!! CLEAR of any CANCER! 

THANK YOU LORD!!!! YOU ARE SO GOOD! PRAYERS ANSWERED!!! 

This means NO radiation, NO Chemotherapy, NO Egg harvesting!!!! YES BABIES!

I am so over the moon right now and so so so so relieved! Crying again like when I did when I first heard the news! SCREW YOU CANCER- You CAN'T MESS WITH ME!!! 

Thank you for ALL the prayers and positive vibes you all sent my way!

What this means now... I will have to still have surgery to remove the cancer. I will be having a mastectomy on the left side with reconstruction done at the same time. Reconstruction will be done with an implant on the one side. With a Mastectomy they remove all the breast tissue, glands, nerve endings and nipple. It will no doubt be an adjustment and I am sure I will have to mentally overcome any body perception issues- But after the news today I feel like I have already dodged the biggest bullet of this whole journey. It will be an adjustment but this is a second chance and a HUGE wake up call to take better care of myself.

Surgery is set for the 18th of this month... I am still going to be showering myself  in everything pink and THANKING the good Lord for protecting me from any further treatment.

Thank you Family and Friends for all the well wishes, texts, calls, and most importantly prayers!

Thank you GOD- I will continue to sing your praises and thank you for this blessed life. You are SOOOOO good to me!

#toolegittoquit

Hi Family and Friends, 

I've decided to create this blog as a means to express my thoughts, fears, hopes, upsets, triumphs. I want to document this whole roller-coaster of a journey I will no doubt ride. Without my faith, my Mother (Breast Cancer Survivor), my Husband,  my Aunties, my whole family, and my friends (who are like family) I don't think the recent news and what this journey has in store would be bearable. Knowing I have you guys as supporters and prayer warriors means everything to me. Your phone calls, texts, gifts, and treasures have meant so much to me during the last few weeks as everything has unfolded. A dear friend encouraged me shortly after receiving the diagnosis by coining the phrase "too legit to quit" for my journey. It brings a smile to my face because I can hear the beats and tune of M.C. Hammers famous song. I was a little girl (6 yrs to be exact) when that song came out- before rap and hip hop started to get nasty. HA! And yes.. I will believe it, live it, and hashtag it! #toolegittoquit #teamtolegit!

This is a long post (sorry-you've been warned)... Promise they wont all be this long... I just want to express how everything unfolded. 

Friday, September 16th 2016

Scatterbrained and working nervously at my desk I awaited a phone call from Kaiser. Every time my phone vibrated or I received any type of notification on my phone my heart would creep up to my throat. I was afraid of the bad news that I had already mentally prepared for. Finally at 1:32 pm I received an incoming call from a number I didn't recognize.

Mentally coaching myself: This is the phone call Emily... Deep breaths.... stay strong.... you got this... think positive...

I stepped outside of my office took a couple of deep breaths and answered the call. Cynthia was the "Breast Coordinator" on the other line telling me that my pathology results came back. 

"I'm saddened to inform you that your pathology came back abnormal. You have a malignant tumor in your breast and lots of areas of calcification. Your cancer is called Ductal carcinoma in situ" 

I thought I had prepared mentally and was strong enough to hear- but I wasn't. I was quietly crying big crocodile tears while she was further explaining more of the process and what to expect after such crappy news. 

Flash back to earlier in September...

Speaking with my Primary Doctor about my constant fatigue, challenges to drop the lbs, and some other issues (I'll spare you the TMI). She ordered me a battery of blood and urine tests to rule out any issues I could be having. And just before wrapping up my visit I thought to bring up a last minute concern about a lump I had felt for about a month on my left breast. She examined me and said "I don't suspect anything serious- probably just fibroma" She ordered me a mammogram and ultrasound as a precaution. I left that visit without any fear or "what ifs." I was confident and had been previously told I have "fibroscystic disease" (about 3 years prior with my old doctor) so I figured it was just a cyst. Telling myself "Its just a fibroma... no worries... I'm young... relatively healthy.. I know my body...it's nothing" 

Monday, September 12th 4:40 pm

Sitting in Kaiser Baldwin park radiology department waiting to be seen to have the life squished out of my poor boobs. I was the youngest woman in the waiting room. All the other ladies where 45 or older I would suspect. I felt out of place- But still telling myself "its only precautionary Em- no need to worry yourself. It's nothing." They called me in to have the ultrasound and it was so weird to have it placed on my breast- I wished and wanted so badly for that ultra sound paddle to be placed on my stomach and see a little guppy baby. But No - Instead she was pressing the paddle hard into my chest showing a dark ominous shadow on the screen. She took several images and remained quiet the majority of the time. She kept rubbing my arm. I kept thinking to myself "Why are you rubbing my arm? What is it? What do you see? Do you know something I don't?"

I was then moved into the room with the mammogram machine. The nurse was a soft spoken girl who was super timid and shy. She had freezing hands and was quiet the majority of the time during all the scans. Painful would be an understatement to how it felt to receive a mammogram at 30 years old where cancer is suspected. They Squish you beyond what you thought was physically possible! Pancakes- legit pancakes! After each smash I would step back and look at the films she was reviewing on the large computer monitors (I could tell she was annoyed that I was being nosey- but hey, its my boobs, my body, and I wanna see...now). I asked her "what is that right there? Is that normal?" pointing the a shaded area on the scans. "Sorry I can't say- The Doctor will review with you."

I left the office visit with a pit in my stomach.

Kept telling myself - "Its a cyst Emily- That's all. Just a cyst. After all- your last doctor told you, you had them. Don't worry"

The very next Morning: Tuesday September 13th, 7:32 am
I was brushing my teeth when I heard my phones ring tone go off. Who was calling me this early? My Initial reaction was- Oh gosh what did I screw up at work? It was a nurse from Kaiser telling me I needed to come into the office right away to perform a biopsy. A Biopsy? Ok- now I'm really worried. I still kept trying to tell myself that will all be ok. I called my mom and asked that she come with me- Thankful she was there for me. I met the Radiologist Doctor in a dark quiet cool room. She was young.. very young...probably as old as me I would guess. "Hey Sweetheart- How ya doing?" She said in in sympathetic manner.  "I'm fine- Just uneasy about all the rush to get me in here for a biopsy" She explained the procedures/process and began taking out small pieces of tissue for pathology. (I'll spare you all the needle and poking details. It was fast and I didn't feel much-thankfully). I laid there quiet the whole time watching the pathways of the needles on the ultrasound screen. Right as the Doctor was cleaning me up and placing dressings on my little incision  I got the courage to ask her a final question.

"Sooo, that mass your taking tissue to test. what could it be if it's not cancer? A fibroid right? or a cyst?" my voice shaky and feeling like an elephant sitting on my chest in fear of her response.
"Well sweetheart- based on  my experience it doesn't look to be anything BUT cancer. I'm sorry but what I am seeing in your scans is very worrisome to me. We will know what it is with 100% certainty when pathology comes back. The good news though.. (what part could be "good" I thought bitterly) You are young and you caught it early."

I left the office with my mom in tears. Cancer? Could it be? She is wrong... I'm only thirty years old!

Thankful my mom was with me to hear such fearful news. My mom, a woman who knows this road far too well, is a breast cancer survivor and has been through it all. Mastectomy, Radiation, Chemotherapy, the harsh physical affects of chemotherapy, and the long road of endocrine therapy to prevent re-occurrence. It made me sad to see my Mom so upset. She didn't want this for her only daughter. But instead of allowing me to get angry, bitter, or retreat to a dark place she instead prayed over me, filled me with hope and reminded me that this is only a "season" and a test that God will use as a testimony of my faith in Him.

Over the next few days until pathology results came back I did a lot of praying, researching (probably a bad idea at this juncture) lots of quiet moments when I would cry when no one was looking...

Back to September 16th, 2016.
After receiving the official phone call at work, I left and headed straight to my Moms house. My whole family was in town for my Grandma Mary's memorial service and my mom and Aunt where about to sit down and eat lunch. My mom happy to see me said "Hi honey- You're home from work early" All I could mutter to my mom was " Mom, you have always taken care of everyone in this family... now that Grandmas gone, you ready to take on your next mission?" I began to cry and I could tell in her eyes that she knew I had found out. She hugged me and reassured me that it is going to be a trial and a journey, but one that will test my faith, draw closer to God, and make me stronger in every way.

This whole process has been a whirlwind. From appointment to appointment and from one decision to the next. So much to think about and so much to process. I find myself being indecisive about the smallest decisions. Kevin will ask "Hey babe where do you want to go for dinner?"- Ugggh.... don't make me make a decision right now... I'm exaggerating...sort-of.

I'm scatterbrained and cant help but look at the whole picture and think about the future. Will I have to be treated with chemo? Will I get a wig? Will I be brave? Will they find more cancer anywhere? Will Kevin and I be able to have a family? Will I ever hear "Mama: from a little voice? IF I am able to have children will I be able to feed them and give them all they need with only one breast? Anyone that knows me, knows I have always wanted to have children and become a mother...

I'm reminded by friends and family to just take it one....day....at....a....time...

There is so much I just don't know....

Still so much uncertainty of where this path will take me..
The Doctors might not find any cancer in my lymph nodes and I will only need to have the cancer in my breast removed and I'll be done. Or there is the possibility that they will find cancerous cells in my lymph nodes. If that is the case I will ultimately need radiation and chemo. Chemo at my age would mean harvesting my eggs before any chemotherapy treatment. Harvesting eggs means in vitro later down the road, and then the possibility of a long expensive road to having children..... again so much to process and absorb. And to think I almost didn't even mention the lump in my breast to my primary doctor makes me realize how VERY important it is to listen to your body and understand cancer does not discriminate.

But I DO know this....

I know have absolutely amazing my friends. All of you that have reached out, texted me, called, brought me goodies, treasures, spent time with me, and most importantly kept me in your prayers means so very much to me. I look around and see your treasures and cards and I feel blessed and very loved. Your support gives me hope.

I know I have amazing family. My mother who has walked me through this process and been with me every step of the way. My Aunties who have called and prayed for me. All my family who has been praying for me and checking up on me.

I know that my Husband will allow me to scream, cry and have full on meltdowns in his presence. He has and will see me at my most vulnerable and just embrace me. He has been such a pillar of strength for me. My fears of feeling unattractive and body image fears that is the aftermath of surgery and chemo have crept into our conversations- without skipping a beat he reminds me he fell in love with my heart and he would love me none the less- even with one breast. He joked and even told me - "Id love you even if you were just a torso" - Gee thanks babe. He has promised to love me in sickness and in health and I believe him with every part of me.

and most importantly...

I know God will be with be every single step of the way. Only He knows what my future has in store. I refuse to let fear, anger, and the "why me" rule my emotions or steal my joy. I know He will use this trial to help me grow closer to Him and only make me a stronger woman after this season in my life.

I'm ready, I'm courageous, and I'm going to fight like a girl! #toolegittoquit