#toolegittoquit

Hi Family and Friends, 

I've decided to create this blog as a means to express my thoughts, fears, hopes, upsets, triumphs. I want to document this whole roller-coaster of a journey I will no doubt ride. Without my faith, my Mother (Breast Cancer Survivor), my Husband,  my Aunties, my whole family, and my friends (who are like family) I don't think the recent news and what this journey has in store would be bearable. Knowing I have you guys as supporters and prayer warriors means everything to me. Your phone calls, texts, gifts, and treasures have meant so much to me during the last few weeks as everything has unfolded. A dear friend encouraged me shortly after receiving the diagnosis by coining the phrase "too legit to quit" for my journey. It brings a smile to my face because I can hear the beats and tune of M.C. Hammers famous song. I was a little girl (6 yrs to be exact) when that song came out- before rap and hip hop started to get nasty. HA! And yes.. I will believe it, live it, and hashtag it! #toolegittoquit #teamtolegit!

This is a long post (sorry-you've been warned)... Promise they wont all be this long... I just want to express how everything unfolded. 

Friday, September 16th 2016

Scatterbrained and working nervously at my desk I awaited a phone call from Kaiser. Every time my phone vibrated or I received any type of notification on my phone my heart would creep up to my throat. I was afraid of the bad news that I had already mentally prepared for. Finally at 1:32 pm I received an incoming call from a number I didn't recognize.

Mentally coaching myself: This is the phone call Emily... Deep breaths.... stay strong.... you got this... think positive...

I stepped outside of my office took a couple of deep breaths and answered the call. Cynthia was the "Breast Coordinator" on the other line telling me that my pathology results came back. 

"I'm saddened to inform you that your pathology came back abnormal. You have a malignant tumor in your breast and lots of areas of calcification. Your cancer is called Ductal carcinoma in situ" 

I thought I had prepared mentally and was strong enough to hear- but I wasn't. I was quietly crying big crocodile tears while she was further explaining more of the process and what to expect after such crappy news. 

Flash back to earlier in September...

Speaking with my Primary Doctor about my constant fatigue, challenges to drop the lbs, and some other issues (I'll spare you the TMI). She ordered me a battery of blood and urine tests to rule out any issues I could be having. And just before wrapping up my visit I thought to bring up a last minute concern about a lump I had felt for about a month on my left breast. She examined me and said "I don't suspect anything serious- probably just fibroma" She ordered me a mammogram and ultrasound as a precaution. I left that visit without any fear or "what ifs." I was confident and had been previously told I have "fibroscystic disease" (about 3 years prior with my old doctor) so I figured it was just a cyst. Telling myself "Its just a fibroma... no worries... I'm young... relatively healthy.. I know my body...it's nothing" 

Monday, September 12th 4:40 pm

Sitting in Kaiser Baldwin park radiology department waiting to be seen to have the life squished out of my poor boobs. I was the youngest woman in the waiting room. All the other ladies where 45 or older I would suspect. I felt out of place- But still telling myself "its only precautionary Em- no need to worry yourself. It's nothing." They called me in to have the ultrasound and it was so weird to have it placed on my breast- I wished and wanted so badly for that ultra sound paddle to be placed on my stomach and see a little guppy baby. But No - Instead she was pressing the paddle hard into my chest showing a dark ominous shadow on the screen. She took several images and remained quiet the majority of the time. She kept rubbing my arm. I kept thinking to myself "Why are you rubbing my arm? What is it? What do you see? Do you know something I don't?"

I was then moved into the room with the mammogram machine. The nurse was a soft spoken girl who was super timid and shy. She had freezing hands and was quiet the majority of the time during all the scans. Painful would be an understatement to how it felt to receive a mammogram at 30 years old where cancer is suspected. They Squish you beyond what you thought was physically possible! Pancakes- legit pancakes! After each smash I would step back and look at the films she was reviewing on the large computer monitors (I could tell she was annoyed that I was being nosey- but hey, its my boobs, my body, and I wanna see...now). I asked her "what is that right there? Is that normal?" pointing the a shaded area on the scans. "Sorry I can't say- The Doctor will review with you."

I left the office visit with a pit in my stomach.

Kept telling myself - "Its a cyst Emily- That's all. Just a cyst. After all- your last doctor told you, you had them. Don't worry"

The very next Morning: Tuesday September 13th, 7:32 am
I was brushing my teeth when I heard my phones ring tone go off. Who was calling me this early? My Initial reaction was- Oh gosh what did I screw up at work? It was a nurse from Kaiser telling me I needed to come into the office right away to perform a biopsy. A Biopsy? Ok- now I'm really worried. I still kept trying to tell myself that will all be ok. I called my mom and asked that she come with me- Thankful she was there for me. I met the Radiologist Doctor in a dark quiet cool room. She was young.. very young...probably as old as me I would guess. "Hey Sweetheart- How ya doing?" She said in in sympathetic manner.  "I'm fine- Just uneasy about all the rush to get me in here for a biopsy" She explained the procedures/process and began taking out small pieces of tissue for pathology. (I'll spare you all the needle and poking details. It was fast and I didn't feel much-thankfully). I laid there quiet the whole time watching the pathways of the needles on the ultrasound screen. Right as the Doctor was cleaning me up and placing dressings on my little incision  I got the courage to ask her a final question.

"Sooo, that mass your taking tissue to test. what could it be if it's not cancer? A fibroid right? or a cyst?" my voice shaky and feeling like an elephant sitting on my chest in fear of her response.
"Well sweetheart- based on  my experience it doesn't look to be anything BUT cancer. I'm sorry but what I am seeing in your scans is very worrisome to me. We will know what it is with 100% certainty when pathology comes back. The good news though.. (what part could be "good" I thought bitterly) You are young and you caught it early."

I left the office with my mom in tears. Cancer? Could it be? She is wrong... I'm only thirty years old!

Thankful my mom was with me to hear such fearful news. My mom, a woman who knows this road far too well, is a breast cancer survivor and has been through it all. Mastectomy, Radiation, Chemotherapy, the harsh physical affects of chemotherapy, and the long road of endocrine therapy to prevent re-occurrence. It made me sad to see my Mom so upset. She didn't want this for her only daughter. But instead of allowing me to get angry, bitter, or retreat to a dark place she instead prayed over me, filled me with hope and reminded me that this is only a "season" and a test that God will use as a testimony of my faith in Him.

Over the next few days until pathology results came back I did a lot of praying, researching (probably a bad idea at this juncture) lots of quiet moments when I would cry when no one was looking...

Back to September 16th, 2016.
After receiving the official phone call at work, I left and headed straight to my Moms house. My whole family was in town for my Grandma Mary's memorial service and my mom and Aunt where about to sit down and eat lunch. My mom happy to see me said "Hi honey- You're home from work early" All I could mutter to my mom was " Mom, you have always taken care of everyone in this family... now that Grandmas gone, you ready to take on your next mission?" I began to cry and I could tell in her eyes that she knew I had found out. She hugged me and reassured me that it is going to be a trial and a journey, but one that will test my faith, draw closer to God, and make me stronger in every way.

This whole process has been a whirlwind. From appointment to appointment and from one decision to the next. So much to think about and so much to process. I find myself being indecisive about the smallest decisions. Kevin will ask "Hey babe where do you want to go for dinner?"- Ugggh.... don't make me make a decision right now... I'm exaggerating...sort-of.

I'm scatterbrained and cant help but look at the whole picture and think about the future. Will I have to be treated with chemo? Will I get a wig? Will I be brave? Will they find more cancer anywhere? Will Kevin and I be able to have a family? Will I ever hear "Mama: from a little voice? IF I am able to have children will I be able to feed them and give them all they need with only one breast? Anyone that knows me, knows I have always wanted to have children and become a mother...

I'm reminded by friends and family to just take it one....day....at....a....time...

There is so much I just don't know....

Still so much uncertainty of where this path will take me..
The Doctors might not find any cancer in my lymph nodes and I will only need to have the cancer in my breast removed and I'll be done. Or there is the possibility that they will find cancerous cells in my lymph nodes. If that is the case I will ultimately need radiation and chemo. Chemo at my age would mean harvesting my eggs before any chemotherapy treatment. Harvesting eggs means in vitro later down the road, and then the possibility of a long expensive road to having children..... again so much to process and absorb. And to think I almost didn't even mention the lump in my breast to my primary doctor makes me realize how VERY important it is to listen to your body and understand cancer does not discriminate.

But I DO know this....

I know have absolutely amazing my friends. All of you that have reached out, texted me, called, brought me goodies, treasures, spent time with me, and most importantly kept me in your prayers means so very much to me. I look around and see your treasures and cards and I feel blessed and very loved. Your support gives me hope.

I know I have amazing family. My mother who has walked me through this process and been with me every step of the way. My Aunties who have called and prayed for me. All my family who has been praying for me and checking up on me.

I know that my Husband will allow me to scream, cry and have full on meltdowns in his presence. He has and will see me at my most vulnerable and just embrace me. He has been such a pillar of strength for me. My fears of feeling unattractive and body image fears that is the aftermath of surgery and chemo have crept into our conversations- without skipping a beat he reminds me he fell in love with my heart and he would love me none the less- even with one breast. He joked and even told me - "Id love you even if you were just a torso" - Gee thanks babe. He has promised to love me in sickness and in health and I believe him with every part of me.

and most importantly...

I know God will be with be every single step of the way. Only He knows what my future has in store. I refuse to let fear, anger, and the "why me" rule my emotions or steal my joy. I know He will use this trial to help me grow closer to Him and only make me a stronger woman after this season in my life.

I'm ready, I'm courageous, and I'm going to fight like a girl! #toolegittoquit